


this phantom skin

by violentyler



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Asexual Character, Coming Out, Gender Dysphoria, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Trans Male Character, like hella
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-08-03 22:11:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16334168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violentyler/pseuds/violentyler
Summary: it's weird to live in, so find me a way out if you love me at all.two people find themselves within each other.





	this phantom skin

**Author's Note:**

> please enjoy this re-work of one of my older pieces, the original is also on ao3, titled asexual // transgender , title taken from dysphoric by cavetown.

For the entirety of his life, Ray had felt out of place. He didn’t belong in his family, not with being so different from his relatives. He was always too quiet, he didn’t always catch on to the punch line of their jokes. Ray felt like an outcast in school. He didn’t make friends easily, the other kids thought he was too weird, too quiet. As he got older, it got worse. High school itself was an absolute nightmare. The few friends he had made only cared about partying and drinking and trying to sleep with the cutest girls they could find. Frankly, Ray just felt uncomfortable.

 

Ray discovered the real problem with himself in college. He was attending a local university and changing his major every few months because nothing _fit._ He had been in his dorm, his obnoxious roommate on the phone across the room, just bragging about some girl he’d met and how good she was in bed. Ray couldn’t understand why people would want to be involved in that, being so intimate with another person. The very thought made him sick to his stomach.

 

Ray went through college feeling far more alienated than before, changing his major a dozen more times before settling on theater. Looking back on that decision, he was grateful. He couldn’t stand to be on stage, the center of attention. Ray felt far more comfortable behind the curtain. However, it put him in new classes and around new people, where he finally met him. “Him” being another student named Ryan, with dirty blonde hair and he was an absolute wonder on stage. He gave every role everything he had like he was born for it, no matter how different his roles were. He was friendly with everyone even if he wasn’t exactly close with them, but he wasn’t over-the-top obnoxious. Ray found himself almost...fascinated by the guy.

 

Ryan approached him first.

 

Ray was sat in the back of the room while many of the other students practiced lines with a partner when Ryan approached him. Ray felt like his veins were on fire. He kept his head down as the man that Ray had been eyeing for two months settled in the seat beside him. Everything about him screamed that he was relaxed and calm and in turn, it caused Ray’s nerves to calm. He didn’t talk to Ray until the third day, murmuring a joke into his ear as he eyed one of the duos in the middle of the class. Ray remembered, despite himself, letting a small crackle of laughter escape his mouth, and he remembered his very scent that day, which he soon admitted being a new cologne he’d bought that morning. Ryan joined him for lunch that day and managed to keep a conversation going about video games, of all things. They didn’t really talk about anything serious, which Ray was honestly grateful for. With Ryan, it was no pressure all the time.

 

In months of knowing him, Ray slowly but surely opened up more. He forgot how unnatural he used to feel around other people because Ryan never brought it up. They talked about music and video games and theater and those two kids in one of their classes who were _absolutely_ in love with each other. Ray still knew there was something wrong with him and he had no idea what. Despite never voicing this concern to Ryan, Ray swore he knew when his thoughts were getting the best of him. He got quiet and his eyes wouldn’t focus on much of anything for a long time. When that happened, he pulled Ray aside from what they were doing, whether it be studying or just lunch or a movie. He helped Ray gather himself again and push whatever thoughts were plaguing him to the back of his mind.

 

In twenty-one years of living, Ray had never told a soul about those thoughts. Until he happened to let it slip to Ryan. They had been discussing how preposterous some new film was because it was centered around intimate activities, the entire plot of it was pointless. Ray was getting worked up about it, he had mentioned that it was disgusting and he eventually told Ryan. Ray told him how the thought of doing such a thing with another human being made him physically sick, he told him how he had always thought he was defective because he wasn’t interested in any of that.

 

Ray realized he couldn’t have chosen a better person to tell.

 

Ryan comforted him, insisting it was normal to not be interested in that, that he definitely was not defective. He sat Ray down, and they watched animated films the rest of the night, and he didn’t bring it up again, not unless Ray instigated the conversation.

 

“I understand.” He said, and he did.

 

-x-

 

It is far from uncommon for people to be uncomfortable with their bodies. They may think they’re too short, or they need to lose weight. The first time young Jenna experienced this feeling was when she was ten years old. It was her birthday, and she was wearing a pink dress, and she knew she just didn’t feel like herself. She felt wrong, out of place.

 

So she stopped wearing dresses. Jenna thought maybe dresses weren’t quite her thing. So she began to favor pants and less frilly clothing. She asked her mother to allow her to cut her hair short. So she did, she had it cut just under her ears and it helped a little. She felt more herself.

 

Jenna didn’t truly know what was wrong with her until she was in junior high. Children were discovering more of themselves in those years and Jenna was no different. She began to favor shirts and sweaters that were too big for her small frame, and she felt even more at peace. But it wasn’t enough. She still felt messed up and out of place. Like any other intelligent fourteen-year-old, she turned to the Internet for help. She started searching for how she felt until she was satisfied. After a few months of deliberation, she’d come to a decision.

 

Then Jenna was just Ryan.

 

So he confronted his father about his recent decision, requesting to be called Ryan instead. He remembered being so nervous he was sweating, and he remembered his father walking out of the room without a word. He remembered feeling his heart break.

 

His father didn’t come back after that.

 

He told his mother he wanted to be called Ryan and his fear was worse now since his father had just left. She was kind to him, she didn’t leave. She asked if he wanted her to have the school change his name to Ryan and they let him.

 

When he was sixteen, he started his testosterone injections. Over time, he got his final growth spurt, and he wore binders to be sure his chest was as flat as possible. He’d never felt so close to comfortable with himself.

 

When he was eighteen, he had a surgery and came home feeling more himself than he ever had before.

 

His mother cried when he went to college, insisting that he be careful and to simply ignore the other students. He had nodded and said he loved her and drove off to the college he’d wanted to attend for the last three years. He was surprised he got along so well with other students, it was an odd feeling to be able to make friends so easily. Ryan felt at home in the theater program, getting on with the other students so easily and feeling so at peace up on stage, even with people staring at him the whole time. He was on pleasant terms with most of his peers, but he wasn’t particularly close with anyone until Ray Narvaez transferred to his class.

 

The meeting between them wasn’t anything exceptional.

 

He had found Ray interesting. He almost never spoke a word during class, instead choosing to hide behind the curtains and keep to himself. Ray was quiet and swamped himself in big hoodies every damn day. Ryan had heard about Ray Narvaez, he never kept a major for long, didn’t really talk and was awkward as hell. It took three days to gather the courage to talk to Ray. When he did, he found the quiet Puerto Rican was just as enraptured by Ryan as he was with Ray.

 

Ryan began spending more time with him, and he realized just how lonely he had to be. To his knowledge, Ray never mentioned any other friends from the university or from his home, and he didn’t talk about family too much. He didn't want to say he pitied Ray, but he did know how it felt. So he kept Ray company as much as he could. It was sort of new territory to him, but he made sure to always keep a conversation going. He told Ray his favorite musicians, he always greeted him in the morning with a new joke or dumb little factoid he’d discovered the night before.

 

When he suggested that they rent an apartment together, Ray didn’t seem surprised. He hesitantly agreed and they went hunting for apartments. They found one nestled above a pretty little shop and Ryan just _knew_ it was the one they would want. He didn’t mention that feeling to Ray, but they decided on that specific apartment anyway. They didn’t always see each other often, sometimes too busy with catching up on sleep or at classes or studying, but they made a point to have a little movie night every single weekend and Ryan chose movies every other week. It was before one of their movie nights began that it happened. They had been discussing the point behind movies that were solely based on sex and Ray seemed sort of upset by the idea.

 

“I don’t get it, it’s disgusting.” He muttered, his soft voice so filled with sincerity and distaste.

 

In all honesty, he was grateful Ray came out to him, even if it was accidental. It meant that Ray trusted him enough with this secret he had kept for the entirety of his life. It gave him some kind of hope that maybe not everyone was like Ryan’s father, maybe not everyone would leave him as his father had.

 

After Ray told him how he felt, he was more open with him. Ryan understood why he got so quiet sometimes. Ray expressed to him that he had always thought he was some abomination, some freak of nature and that he hated who he was. So, he tried to help. He stopped bringing up that topic in conversation, he distracted Ray when he got quiet. He helped Ray and he was grateful.

 

Four months after Ray confided in him, Ryan did the same.

 

He explained he had always felt wrong in his body, he never felt comfortable. He told Ray his father had left when he told him and that Ryan was scared, he was terrified of anyone knowing because what if they leave too?

 

“I used to be Jenna. Now I’m Ryan.”

 

“Cool. Anastasia or The Lion King?”

 

“Anastasia, obviously.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you kindly for reading, i appreciate any and all comments & kudos! please tell me what y'all thought. 
> 
> fun fact: i wrote this way before realizing i was ace! also waaaaay before my boy and i came out to each other, and when we did it literally went exactly how it goes in this.
> 
> update as of 02/18/19: I'm now taking requests! I don't have a Tumblr or anything...but feel free to send me requests via my discord ( @violentyler#0969 ) or just to chat with me. it's been tough getting more inspo to write so requests/prompts are greatly appreciated.


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